Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in johnny panic's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 3rd, 2006
12:47 pm	You Are 80% Evil You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot. How Evil Are You? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
10:05 am	SO LATELY LATELY I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO A LOT OF METALLICA (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
10:53 pm	moving with a grace that men despise and women have learned to lose... my sister got married. my mother thought it would be a good idea this morning to put on a tape of me at three, singing with my father. daddy, what if the sun stopped shining? what would happen then? YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE... a bunch of songs. she hit me with all this stuff, and a photo album. right after i woke up, with my guard down. tears welled up, looking at pictures of my brother russ and i, me at four, him at fourteen, playing in the snow. his arms around me. my sister brenda holding me as a baby, my smile. my big blue eyes. her brown eyes full of so much pain from my father and her mother divorcing, her the oldest child, taking care of russ and barb from then on out, really. she never trusted anyone else to. russ leaves for iraq again in february. he does not plan on seeing any of us before this. he won't be back until 2007. pictures of my father, sitting with a guitar and a book of music. holding me. kissing my mother. working, always. my foster brother ron turning me upside down to my apparent delight... pictures of myself and my uncles, mac and bob. when i was three i decided to fuck with them by calling them by each others' names. everyone always got a kick out of that. they're both dead now. my full-blooded irish uncles. they were so brilliant, so wise. mac died when i was six, the first funeral i ever attended. i remember there being so much food at the wake, and all my drunk elders kept trying to get me to eat. i didn't want to eat a goddamned thing. i remember the ham looking distinctly like mac's chest, watching my aunt fran chewing it and puking. and i remember the feeling: this is what it's going to be like. for two years i was constantly paranoid, constantly thinking: one of my parents will get cancer. they will die. no one could ever convince me that anything was safe. i grew up in such a loving family, such a wonderful environment. i knew it wouldn't last. i always knew. one time, uncle bob was babysitting me and he passed out. i decided to make chocolate milk. filled the glass an inch from the brim with the hershey's mix and was about to add milk when he suddenly woke up. hehehe. looking at these pictures, hearing my articulate, on-key three year old voice singing in unison with my father's, found myself suddenly filled with rage. i experience grief mostly as anger. i walked outside. it had been raining all night. i punched the ground repeatedly, made holes in the lawn. and then my nose began to profusely bleed. i went back in, and my mother thought i'd done something to myself, all covered in my blood. see, it took me awhile to realize i was bleeding. blinded by tears. i'm in superior now. i'm about to shower and hit the halloween party at the steel reserve. no costume again this year. i've spent so much of my life wearing masks. i think the last few years halloween was a time to really, really be myself. i'm humbled by all the weaknesses i've only recently learned to acknowledge, am still in the slow process of accepting. but all in all, i feel pretty good about myself these days. it's other things that make me so sad. the things other people do to each other. selfishness. unkindness. i am learning how to give sincere emotional responses. i'm very vulnerable, though, now. anyone can push my buttons. it makes me feel pathetic --like the character carolyn burnham in american beauty, crying in the dark when she fails to sell the house, and then hitting herself, calling herself a baby, telling herself to stop being so weak-- but at least i'm real. aleister crowley said, in an essay called 'the dangers of mysticism': "...Let him remember that an ounce of honest pride is better than a ton of false humility, although an ounce of true humility is worth an ounce of honest pride; the man who works has no time to bother with either..." happy holidays. <3 Current Mood: lonely Current Music: jeff buckley (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
9:49 pm	a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst. so i'm hanging out with some coworkers after work on friday, and we're watching american history X, and it suddenly occurs to me that... THEY'RE A BUNCHA NEONAZIS, just. with hair. and then they stop the movie after the curbstomp scene and proceed to pop some wrestling game into the ps2, and i watch as they battle each other with customized characters: a guy based on edward norton's tattoos in american history x, complete with swastika VS. a straight-up klansman. ugh:( forklifts are fun to play with. i still like my job. quickly and steadily moving up in the heirarchy there, though i've managed to creep my toughguy coworkers out by crying on the job a few times. i'm not ashamed. i'm slow and cautious about just about everything lately. i'm getting better at keeping secrets. i'm more insecure than i've ever been willing to admit to myself, and it seems likely i always will be. it feels good to be able to admit that, though. and i'm grateful for every smile i wear or see. i'm tired of being in rooms where people are talking and no one is listening to anyone, and i'm even more tired of people expecting me to be impressed when they talk shit about other people. i don't get online very often anymore. keeping busy, which is a good thing. matt arrives in just over a week, i can't wait. that's about it... Current Mood: lonely Current Music: EVERY REDEEMING QUALITY AN ACHILLES HEEL. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 8th, 2005
11:13 pm	finished my first two psychoweeks at woodline. hands full of splinters/slivers. i'd probably get slivers in my dick if i masturbated. the job is basically like live action tetris, most of the time. wood drops off of conveyor belts and you sort and stack it. good exercise, though the whole thing is really an exercise in masochism. sometimes i do other things, ie; feed rough pieces into a surfacer by the ripsaw, while breathing sawdust. did this for way the fuck too long a couple of nights ago, and then went home to my freezing attic and froze all night, after which i got up to work on friday (supposed to be our day off) and lasted a mere two hours, voice gone, throat sore, pneumonia raging, ear infection aggravated by earplugs, just utterly unable to breathe, coughing nasty shit up all over the place, being told by my boss that i looked like the walking dead, and anyway. i lasted two hours and then i clocked out, went to the emergency room. while waiting in a chair i coughed myself unconscious and woke up breathing out of tubes. the whole ordeal was pretty confusing. i'm in washburn for the weekend, tryina rest up, eat soup, be warm, and recovering a SPACE HEATER, WINTER BLANKETS, WINTER CLOTHES, MUSIC GEAR. all things that have been direly needed. i get payed in a week, including some overtime, and all this lack of money and food will come to an end just in time for the colder weather to really take hold. LET IT BE KNOWN THAT THE GOOD DOCTOR'S RETURN IS IMMINENT. HE ARRIVES AT 5 PM ON HALLOWEEN, AND YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. i actually just got off the phone with him. it was so good to hear his voice, though sadly i don't have a voice of my own right now (due to sickness). i'm out for now, time for another nap. did the trick-or-treat lj thing. evidently i can't trust any MALES or ERICAS. My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul legauche goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as drugs bunny. abetterfailure gives you 13 pink cherry-flavoured wafers. aftiel gives you 14 pink raspberry-flavoured pieces of taffy. antithesis_462 tricks you! You lose 17 pieces of candy! auspiciousaugur tricks you! You lose 9 pieces of candy! eschatology tricks you! You get a scratched CD. poorgirlcostume tricks you! You get an eraser. silvercopulate gives you 14 mottled green orange-flavoured gummy bats. tori_anus tricks you! You get a wad of paper. venalanatomica tricks you! You lose 10 pieces of candy! virtualnao gives you 4 teal lemon-flavoured pieces of chewing gum. legauche ends up with 9 pieces of candy, a scratched CD, an eraser, and a wad of paper. Go trick-or-treating! Username: Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: sonic youth -- here, there (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
1:18 pm	today will be my second day at woodline. you have to be a psychopath to work at this place, which i am. hammond is a fucking thief, don't anyone trust him with anything. take my word for it. gotta run... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2005
6:49 pm	lissen here, JERKS mood, mood, moodymood MOOD. i swear i'm being followed I CAN TELL. whisperwhisperWHISPER... 2094jg209421390-)#Q@(%&QH0(Q#U3492305()Q#(#Q%U()%$EJTIEHJOT. ya feel that, missssster? i can gibberish you with a vulture's nostril, i can breathe the smelly smell of the smelly lake here in menomonie. it's SMELLY. would you care to taste me? IT ALL HAS TO GO, SO HAVE A SAMPLE AND GIVE IT SOME FEELING. if i cut out my eyes, maybe tactile sensation will finally begin to make sense to me. if i cut out my tongue, maybe you will LISSEN TOO MEE. if i was made deaf, i know the sounds in my head would take over my fingertips, take over my teeth. that's all i'm saying. Current Mood: bitchy (8 Comments |Comment on this)
4:01 am	(i think i think therefore i think i am) IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH WAY YOU GO. strong arm the sandwich man delivery fella so much whiskey i can't believe i'm going to nightmare but i'm sure i will i'm suresuresure. i know tomorrow i will still wish for something different INTHEMEANTIME i sit at the strip club reading bukowski, sit at the bars reading camus. sit in some dorm room with leo and his girlfriend typing in the livejournal, nothing important here. EVERY REDEEMING QUALITY IS AN ACHILLES HEEL, i insist. internet jukeboxes at bars are amusing. yo la tengo, autolux, pavement and slint on the jukebox!? the patrons were confused, and i gained an advantage for awhile playin' pool. i still suck, but not as much as the people 'round here. i really learned my shit down in milwaukee with athena. anyone wanna elope? comment and apply. Current Mood: moody Current Music: some movie behind me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
8:25 pm	PENIS PENIS PENIS. you heard me. i'm not quite sure how it happened, but i live in superior now. in an attic. for fifty bones a month. it's going to be fucking cold but other than that it's spacious and tasty. i've got my futon mattress, a cd player, a radiohead poster, and an air hockey table that someone left up there. yippy fucking skippy. celia is back and this increases my mental and emotional stabilities by twenty and forty percent, respectively. when matt gets back in november, an opposite ratio of increase in these respective stabilities will occur. i have been hired at a factory called woodline. i start on monday. 4:30 to 3am, monday thru thursday. stacking wood. it's too loud in there to socialize, and for this i am grateful. i've been bitching people out. they deserve it. trust me. other than that i HATE YOU ALL WITH ALL MY TEETH. <3 (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
2:37 pm	SON OF A BITCH LIBRARIES [try to squeeze a drop of blood from a sugarcube.] says: i'm at this library. they're going to kick me off of here any second now the chris says: heh the chris says: stupid libraries. the chris says: being all "share resources." ------------------- internet at home is dead. thunderstorm fried my dsl box kentucky style, like it was chicken. spent the weekend with extremely demented grandparents in their ninties and a moderately demented aunt who's only six years older than my mother. SCARY. Current Mood: vengeful Current Music: other people typing and reading and being all quiet. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
10:39 pm	regarding eye contact. FIVE SECONDS. that's all i need, and all the nightmares are gone. even if i was willing to say something that would probably make her feel awful, there's no way to explain how much i miss her. yeah, i feel pathetic, YEAH!!! feel free to point and laugh. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: team sleep -- iceache (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
10:27 pm	nervous. stressed out. angry. afraid. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 2nd, 2005
6:36 am	i seem to have stayed up all night, writing. cacophony has seen some serious progress, which i feel great about. THERE MAY BE TANGIBLE RESULTS YET. after the night and day effort i just put into this story, i want to back off for awhile and maybe write some short stories. work with some fresh topics that i don't have so much energy already invested in. get used to this a little better. i'm joining this chuck palahniuk writing workshop site syarif pointed me at. http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net offers access to some excellent resources. after checking it out, i really want to sign up for a whole year. i have a feeling i'll get serious results if i do the assignments it offers. at the moment i'm still just reading the essays... the sort of fiction i'm trying to write doesn't exactly fall in line with palahniuk's style. i'm writing fantasy/horror, which appeals to me more than anything. it's difficult and tricky as hell, tho. making points from a third-person perspective is a bit weaker than the direct, first-person authority a lot of authors are using. the amount of writing i've been doing lately is really opening my eyes to the different types of things i *could* write, and i'm starting to wonder where i really want to go with all this. the projects i envision are really too ambitious for my reach, which probably comes from the fact that the books that i love most are just so epic, like imajica. that book is a fucking masterpiece that my skills just can't come anywhere near touching yet, if ever. but these ambitious stories are what i really want to do, and i'm going to keep writing 'til i can do it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:45 am	i, i, i. me, me, me. miss reflexive once accused me of being self absorbed. more than once, even. you were right, sarah. and i'll always be, but i apologize for smothering you in it. even again, here, now. over and over again. probably not as bad as when i was sixteen, but there sure wasn't anybody else i thought would understand... i've also been accused of being clever. charming. i've found these things flattering, and perhaps conceitedly i'll admit that i agree. after a few minutes, though, clever should stop fooling you. clever is me hiding. scared and dishonest, trying to distract you from the truth of anything that matters. glib and charming, my honey-tongue really does appreciate the things i'll tell you i think are amazing about yourself. the wiser, more insightful of you immediately realize the uselessness of this shiny surface, a smooth, polished glamour of no value other than the simple charm of it, the flattery. put clever and charming together and you sure get one hell of a jerkoff. Current Mood: inspired Current Music: modest mouse -- bukowski (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
4:05 am	what is it with the late night phone conversations? i love how people know it's okay to call me at four in the morning. just talked to naomi for awhile, twas good to hear her voice, it'd been awhile... SO, here i am, recovering from this awful virus, just back from this adventure, and i KNEW that things would crop up, other adventures: steel reserve (punkrockkids) from superior are trainhopping and i decided NOT to go with them, though i would love to... and now jay calls me up, he's leaving for seattle in three days and he wants me to be his copilot and hop a greyhound back. he's moving out there. he'll pay for my hound ticket. he is BEGGING. WHERE DOES THIS ALL END? wherever i draw the line, but seriously, can i really keep moving around like this forever? do i want to? :\ (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
12:58 pm	*sigh* olivia's gone for school, i'll miss her. according to the doctor (a friendly, god-fearing man who seems to genuinely care for some reason) i have some fucked up virus. the symptoms are two ear infections, extremely inflamed tonsils, and two disgusting and extremely painful sores on the roof of my mouth. the pain is extremely frustrating. i seem to fluctuate between getting better and getting worse. these sores just showed up like yesterday and they're definitely the worst part. anything i put in my mouth makes them BURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNN. i probably have some fucked up cancer. maybe i should quit smoking, eh? so, syarif and waltaire, i did NOT go to the house on the rock. we did, however, get free run of taliesin, frank lloyd wright's villa. friends in high places have i, oh yes... and we saw macbeth at the APT, walter. good stuff -- that place and those people are amazing. i may have already told you about this? i'm at mom's office. internet should be hooked up out at our cabin tonight. yayee. i'm reading fury by salman rushdie. i wonder if the tiger army guys ever read any rushdie... and i was thinking, i hate front pockets on pants. what an annoying place to store things. and the ass pockets are even more useless. this is why i like CARGO PANTS. YES I DO. ... Current Mood: crappy Current Music: tiger army (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
2:19 pm	things are are are are... we are in spring green. upstairs in the maestri knife shop. the trip has been strange, mostly a wander around wisconsin with a brief detour into minnesota. we're not going as far as we'd originally planned. i've been battling a horrible throat pain-- no other symptoms, not even a cough, just sooooooore throat. i should give the ciggies a rest, i guess. got up an hour before olivia today and spent it with mike. i realized it was the most time i'd spent without her in over a week... traveltraveltravel. not sure where we're going next. this place is so beautiful that i think we'll stay for a couple of days. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
3:55 pm	:O things have been nuts. mom lost it for a while there (and so did i). olivia and i take off adventuring tonight. we don't really know exactly where the hell we're going. i don't know about you guys (matt/cels/walter particularly), but i think i'm about ready for the goddamned sun to move into virgo, eh? since i won't be online tomorrow, an early: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAO:D is in order. I LOVES YOU AND I'M SORRY WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN SO LONG! back around the 30th. <3 (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
11:37 am	(tell me what you saw and i'll tell you what you missed) my friend ashley's gonna break my friend victor's heart in a really awful way and i'm worried:( i think i can feel the onset of skin cancer tingling across my back. when will i learn that the sun is not my friend!? NOTE TO SELF: IF YOU'RE GOING TO PROCREATE, MAKE SURE SHE HAS REALLY FUCKING DARK SKIN. tonight dave, erica, olivia and i are going to this goofy music festival that happens to be less than a mile from my mother's cabin -- how convenient, we won't have to drive home:D we're gonna camp out in the yard. evidently there's a lot of free alcohol out there. my uberfosterbrother's band is playing, and he mentioned that there will be a "special surprise" for me out there, whatever that means. could be something hallucinogenic, some rare and strange beverage, or maybe his band learned one of my favourite songs. or who knows. i like surprises, yes i do. god, my nephew jordon is weird sometimes. he knows how to play like three songs on the piano, and they're like uh... the theme from top gun, the song they play at weddings when a bride is walking up, and this really evil funerally sorta song he made up. whenever he's at our house he just plays these three songs over and over again. what the fuck!? i've gotta finish fixing up mom's garden (a project that has been a BITCH), ferry my nephew between his jobs, help dave finish painting the apartment, and i'm good for the weekend. =D oh and i finally made another bracelet. this is necessary for me to feel grounded, yes it is. i thought i was going to float away for awhile there. Current Mood: bright Current Music: my nephew's piano insanity (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
8:38 am	SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!! SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!! my back is so fucking sunburned:O pulled a gardenfulla weeds shirtlessly yesterday and i should've sunscreened it up. my flesh is like too cooked to even eat. olivia's still asleep. i think i'd like to keep her. we went to the lagoon at houghton falls last night(such a beautiful place!)... i am blissed out. so why the evil dead reference in the topic? i don't know, i haven't even seen that shit in ages. skin cancer is going to seriously have its way with me, tho. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. (Comment on this)